"Alfie" on Life, Love, and Women

If women has Carrie, men has Alfie...

"Here's my theory: For most women, if a guy's a good provider and generally a nice chap, six-pack abs really aren't a deal-breaker."

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For us boys, it's all about the F.B.B. Face. Boobs. Bum. (For "guys", it's the F.C.B. Face. Chest. Butt.)

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It's been said that clothes speak the international language... If you ooze masculinity, like some of us do, you have no reason to fear pink. (I agree! Pink looks great on men! However though, black is the universal shade for gays. That is, skimpy black shirt and tight pants! Eeeow!)

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Now, in the cologne department, most men overdo it. My rule: Nothing above the neck, though I do like a little splash on the Big Ben. You never know where the day will take you.

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So she's a tub of lard. The ship's already sailed, so why not make her feel good about herself, right?

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When it comes to shagging birds, it's all about: Location. Location. Location. (That is what I keep on telling Than-than. He won't find anybody just be waiting where he is right now--at the office!)

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Live life to the fullest. I require only enough to cover my modest expenses. I've no desire to be the richest stiff in the cemetery. (Right! If you have money, buy the things you want! Don't forget to save though. Just enough to get you going during the rainy days! What will you do with so much money in the bank and never get to enjoy it?)

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(Lying-in position, woman on top) I think this might be my favourite position. It gives you the maximum pleasure with minimum exertion. (It goes both ways, though. Submission-domination!)

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(When said another thing but did otherwise.) The more details you give, the less interested he'll be.

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Compliment from me comes when you least expect it.

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Never expect any thanks in this life. (Otherwise, you're bound for disappointments.)

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Now lads, learn from my mistake. Never get involved with a singly mum. See, they come with accessories, some of which can be... unfortunately, irresistible.

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It seems to me the problems you worry yourself sick about never seem to materialize. It's the one that catch you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that knocks you sideways.

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You know, when you're old, you learn to be patient. Used to be I never had time for nothing. Go, go. go. My wife was always hawking me to take a little vacation. Hawaii, Reno. I always said, "Next year, Evie, next year. I got too much on my platter." I always thought I'd have more time. Then one Sunday night, she takes the pot roast out of the oven. Yells, "Soup's on," and slumps to the kitchen floor. Just like that. Dead as disco.
-- Joe

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Two things I learned in life, kid: find someone to love and live everyday as though it were your last.
-- Joe

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Second loneliest night of the year: Christmas Eve. A night that brings on all those familiar festive feelings of hopelessness, anguish, despair. Not a good time to be flying solo. (True!)

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Couples should never split up between Thanksgiving and January 2nd. (For us, it's Christmas till Valentine's. Not to mention, birthdays!) Always have a relationship to see you through the holidays. Always.

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In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call "the uh-oh moment." When a certain little something happens and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end. And suddenly, you stop and you think: "Uh-oh, iceberg ahead!"

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Underneath all that bravado beats the heart of a guy who's a lot smarter than he thinks he is, but not nearly as cocky as he'd like everybody else to believe. (Just perfect, right?)
-- Liz

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Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Clever!)
-- Liz

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You know you're in trouble when a sight like that can't keep you planted.

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When I was a boy at St. Alban's Secondary School, the school took us on this cultural trip to observe art at one of the-- one of those big famous London museums. Anyway, when I was there, I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marble. Aphrodi-- Aphrodite, something like that. Beautiful, she was. Perfect female form. Chiselled features. Exquisite. I stood in awe of her. Finally, the teacher calls us all over, and I'm walking past it, and on the way I noticed, in the side of this Greek goddess, all these cracks, chips, imperfections. Ruined her for me. Well, that's Nikki. A beautiful structure... damaged... and in a way you don't notice 'till you get too close. (When you get pass all those imperfections, you're good to go!)

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(While packing) Don't worry, I'm already gone. (Such sad words...)
-- Nikki

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Strange. But even when you know it has to end... when it finally does... you always get that inevitable twinge: Have I done the right thing? (Truly strange, indeed.)

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Nikki was a showstopper. But as me ugly old Aunt Gladys used to say, "Looks aren't everything." I used to think that was a load of bollocks, but just lately I've been thinking... maybe the old bat had something.

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Alfie: I never meant to-- I never--
Marlon: You never meant to hurt anyone. But you do, Alfie.

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You don't know what you'll do 'till you really love someone.
-- Joe

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Think before unzipping.
-- Joe

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The thing with feelings is that they have this quiet way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. (Be glad though that you are still able to feel...)

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Of all the women I've known, the one I let my guard down with delivers the knockout punch. Ironic. (You can never be too sure. You always find your match!)

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What have I got? Really? Some money in my pocket. Some nice threads. Fancy car at my disposal. And I'm single. Unattached. Free as a bird. I don't depend on nobody. Nobody depends on me. My life's my own. But I don't have peace of mind. And if you don't have it, you've got nothing. (One is the saddest word...)

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What's it all about?

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